Pizza In The Park: "The coffee was good."

On our way to the next place, my mom and me passed this weird kiosk. I checked and there was a pizza oven, so we dutifully ordered a slice.


I will let the picture of this slice speak for itself.


Ma took a bite and said, "this is tasteless. It doesn't taste like anything." Though after a few minutes she added, "I mean, there's a slight unpleasantness." At our seat we had a view of the other side of the kiosk, which has this sign:


Had I seen that, I would've known not to order. This place obviously doesn't count. The slice of pizza they served was by far one of the worst eating experiences I've ever had in my life. The coffee was good, though, and there were weird old people. And while it was fun to feed the rest of our slice to the pidgeons, it wasn't worth $2.50.

Pizza In The Park
Corner of 57th and 9th
Stay Away.

Casabianca Pizza: "I would rather not ever eat another slice of pizza than eat this again."

Mrs. Harvester, a generally kind and judicious woman, had those very exacting words to say about Casabianca. She is not one for brazen slander, either, so you know it carries substantial weight. And not only is it subpar quality, but the slice costs $2.75, which is at least a full shiny quarter more than every other slice nearby.


I will not mince words here, this slice sucks. It is too thin, totally bland, and covered in nasty grease. You know I'm a fan of grease on pizza. And pizzagrease fandom is apparently a matrilineal trait because Ma Harvester is also swayed by a greasy slice. But we both agree that this pizza totally sucks eggs. The cheese tasted like chemicals and the crust was too dense. In short, this place totally blows.

Casabianca Pizza
503 W 57th St
New York, NY 10019

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Don't forget to come to the show tonight. Details in yesterday's post.

Caliente Pizzeria: "Chupa mi pizza."

So, I totally sighed aloud when my mother and I walked up to Caliente Pizzeria y Comida Hispana. Generally restaurants that combine being a pizzeria with something else, and Spanish food is a pretty common one, don't have very good pizza. Mama Harvester looked at me, her face full of concerns, and said, "we have to go in there don't we?" I just nodded solemnly. We walked in and the pizza did not look appetizing.


"I don't envy you your task," my mother said, gazing at the slice. I could see in her eyes that she had finally reached at least a tacit understanding of the gravity of my Sisyphean undertaking. We both looked at the slice sitting before us and sighed like Bret Michaels at the beginning of Every Rose Has Its Thorn.

But then I took that first tentative bite and my mood shifted a bit. This slice didn't suck! In fact, it was almost good. There was way too much sauce, and the sauce tasted like shit, total can jam. These two facts make this slice ineligible for even getting anywhere NEAR in the running for Awesome Slice Award 2k10. However, sauce and sogginess aside, the cheese on this slice was good, just oily enough, totally tasty. The dough was perfectly salty and not at all sweet, a problem I find recurring at Spanish pizzerias. The bread was cooked perfectly, to an excellent crispness, and Mama Harvester, who was voted Miss Queens Teen Crust Lover 1968, said the crust was to die for. Ultimately this slice is not great, but it's better than Luigi's.

Caliente Pizzeria - $2.50
862 10th Ave
New York, NY 10019

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Since I've been posting about friend Anandi a shit ton lately, I should mention that tomorrow night, there is a benefit show for her at Tommy's Tavern in Greenpoint. It costs $3-5 sliding scale, though we'll take more if you wanna donate, and it's all rad local bands. Here's the rundown, not in any particular order:

Shellshag (old drunks in love. if you don't know this band yet you live under a rock.)
Weird Weather (total buds, heavy rock, loudest band i know.)
Bad Blood Revival (sound just like Killdozer. shit is intense!)
It Good (Scott Youth says "man, we sound like Region Rock, but like, psychedelic Region Rock." i haven't heard them.)
These Days (Michelle from Hiretsukan's new band, haven't heard them yet either.)

At Tommy's Tavern, 1041 Manhattan Ave (corner of Freeman), Brooklyn, NY, 9pm. You can take the G train to Greenpoint Ave, the 7 to Vernon Jackson and then walk across the Pulaski Bridge, the B43 or B61 bus to get there. But you should probably just ride your bike unless you're a total poseur.

Blah blah blah, the community, blah blah, togetherness, blah blah, solidarity in the face of shittiness, etc.

"Eating a lot of pizza, remember a lot of notes."

Vanity searching Slice Harvester I turned up an article about me in the Taiwanese Epoch Times! The google translation is really pretty hilarious, but if any of my dear readers are capable of giving me a rough translation, I'd be much obliged. First or best translation received, I'll send mail out a copy of my Wintertime Bummer Jams seasonal mixtape along with a complimentary copy of the Slice Harvester zine when it comes out, so get to it!

As you can see, I was too lazy to make a new flier.

In other news, I'm doing another DJ party at Lulu's, the bar in Greenpoint with free pizza. If you want to come hector me about pizza while I'm already grumpy because I'm the only sober guy in the bar, stop by 113 Franklin St, off the Greenpoint Ave G stop any time after 10pm this Thursday evening. Music should be weird and between me and my companion DJ Diamond Joe Porter, there will be something for everyone. Also, I've said this before, but Lulu's has the best pizza out of all the free pizza bars in the city, which is obviously not saying much, but at least they give you free food, a hard find In These Troubling Economic Times, as my favorite fellow anonymous blogger might say.

Luigi's: "You will notice a pattern this week."

Before I begin my post, I'd like to issue an official apology to the svelt men of the UWS. You are all fabulous and beautiful and I got so swept up with having an opportunity to make fun of rich people that I didn't actually take the time to notice that the men on the UWS are not doughy. That's the Upper East Side, where the denizens are somewhat older. The men of the UWS, in fact, have weird gym bodies. They probably have no fear of overeating since they lack access to any decent pizza?

Either way, today we'll be talking about the last pizzeria above 59th st on the West side, Luigi's Pizza. Throughout this week we'll meander around Columbus Circle ahead of schedule and then next week I'll start tackling the UES, which will hopefully provide crispier slices and doughier men then it's mirror image.


But Luigi's! I had the pleasure of eating pizza with my mother this week. It's great because she is a totally rad lady, it's a bummer because I felt weird saying gross shit in front of her. Granted, this is the woman who rhapsodized to the entire family about catching me masturbating during Easter dinner when I was like, 17, but I still found it difficult to make my usual brand of edgy, sexually suggestive commentary. Luckily, there's really nothing much to say about the slice here.


"Not a horrible slice," says Ms. Harvester, ruminating on her first bite. "Too much cheese, though."
"Yeah, ma, but sometimes a cheesier pie can be really good!" butts in her son Slice.
"Not this time."
"Oh yeah, I see what you mean."
"It tastes better than it looks, though."
"I was just gonna say that."
"Do you even taste any sauce?"
"No, ma."
"The sauce is totally overpowered by this enormous amount of cheese. This slice lacks proper balance. At least it's a comfortable place to sit. The atmosphere isn't bad, although I don't like the fact that done of those guys made eye contact with us when we were ordering."
"They made eye-contact with me, ma. Maybe they just hate women."
"Yeah, maybe."

And so on. This slice got worse as we got in. The dough wasn't cooked enough, and at the end, where it thickened out, it turned into a totally nasty mush. Majorly unpleasant to eat. The crust was too dense and didn't taste like anything. Ultimately this slice was not so good.

F & F Luigi's - $2.50
39 West End Ave
New York, NY 10023

Francesco Pizza: "Like many of the men on the Upper West Side, this slice is boring and doughy."

Francesco Pizza is absolutely charming on the inside. It's pretty simple looking, seems like it's unsuccessfully limping towards looking "classically classy" but actually just looks like when you make an average thirteen year old wear a suit for his friend's Bar Mitzvah. There's all these framed pictures on the walls, but half of them are hung crooked, and the decor is tacky, but therein lies the charm. Which is to say, the charm is certainly not in the pizza.


There is not much to say about this slice. It's really obvious that these people care about using quality ingredients, and it shows. The sauce tastes great, the cheese has a fantastic flavor. The dough doesn't taste like anything, which means it's poorly made but not cheap. This slice felt undercooked and underloved. I've done a lot of working with children in my life, and you can often easily tell if a kid is a little sniveling shit because he's not getting attention at home or if he's a little sniveling shit because he was born that way. In the former instance, you want to empathize, because you can see the insecurities being acted out and it's heartbreaking, but at the end of the day, the kid is still a little sniveling piece of shit. And like, maybe this slice needed someone to care about it more, but at the end of the day it was still bland and doughy.

Francesco Pizza - $2.50

186 Columbus Ave

New York, NY 10023

La Traviata Pizza: "I want to like it, but I can't."

La Traviata Pizza has great atmosphere, in my book. It's cluttered and cramped inside, a little dingy and dark. As me and Aaron were chowing down on out slice a woman sat at the table with us to eat hers because there were no other open seats. In a lot of ways, Traviotta is like a more down to earth Rigoletto, a fact that is easily embodied by the presence of yuppie condiments here, in much less fancy containers:


Look at that! Way less nice to look at, ultimately. Also, probably less healthy because keeping things in wood containers is better than plastic, of course. But it looks a little more down to earth than the fancy-pants, yuppie parent land of Rigoletto. I was hoping the slice would be similar but better, but was sorely disappointed.

Whereas he described the slice at Rigoletto as "supple and yielding," Aaron called this slice "clinical. It tastes like pizza in a hospital," he told me. I didn't quite get that feeling, but I was generally dissatisfied. This slice certainly had good ratios, but overall it was insubstantial, and though it tasted alright there was a distinct chemical aftertaste, which leads me to believe they used cheap cheese. The crust had good flavor but bad texture. I didn't hate it, but I'm not in love with the slice of pizza I had here.

La Traviata
101 W 68th St
New York, NY 10023